The Saga Continues

My parents are on the decline. Last week my dad fell on the ice by the mailbox and broke his arm. He was unable to get up and a neighbor who was driving by had to help lift him. My mother has no idea how long he'd been out there, lying on the ground in the cold. Then, it took my mother more than 3 hours to convince him to go to the hospital where he could be checked out and fitted for a splint. None of this he remembers.

When asked why his arm hurt he says, "I dunno. I think my wife hit me and I've a good mind to hit her back"

This would be kind of funny if it weren't so tragic.

Every day we are receiving about 10-15 emails from my mother complaining about his behavior towards her.
The sad part is that her solution is to neglect or punish him.
She is so angry at him that she makes the situation worse by belittling him and yelling at him and then reminding him that he's sick and cannot remember things. This makes him angry and sets him off.

Here's a typical email excerpt after my mom had to remove his ring because his arm was swollen. He discovered it was missing from his hand and wanted it back on: "When I had enough I yelled back, walked out and left him to his own devises! I haven't started his supper yet and I have no intention of giving him back that ring until the swelling goes down in his hand! If he were the child he is acting like I would have sent him to his room until he apologized! He NEVER says he's sorry; why should he? At least if he fell I could leave him on the floor. I hate depriving him of food but I have to do something to let him know he can not treat me this way and expect me to keep doing things for him!..... "

Maybe the trouble is that she's not treating him like a patient; an old man with Dementia. She's treating him like her annoying, abusive husband, whom she resents for putting her through this. Apparently, when he falls down she is dragging him from room to room.

She wants us to tell him to appreciate her. "What he needs is a male (D or R) to 'talk Turkey' to him and tell him how lucky he is to have me helping him! You and I don't count: we're 'only' females. "

Here's another disturbing one: "I got Dad to bed but no shower: it's been more than a week since he's had one . . . He said tomorrow but that's what he said yesterday and . . ."

What?!?! My father has not showered for a week?!? Are you freaking kidding me? My mother is clearly not taking care of him. This is not good.

Much as my dad was not an easy man to live with growing up, he still deserves to be cared for and treated with a certain level of dignity.

My brother D and his wife C went out there for lunch yesterday. "The situation is not good" they reported. He has stopped eating and his skin looks grey and he is bone thin. They managed to get him to shower and help him dress. Next they sat my mother down and convinced her to meet with some home caretakers. That will happen this week. We are also trying to convince her to at least consider visiting an assisted living facility.

In a few months my dad will be 80.