Starting the New Year off right

Even though I'm notoriously terrible at making and keeping resolutions for more than, um...48 hours, I do have a short list of goals that I think might be attainable this year. I know that hardly anyone is actually reading this blog, but it does help me to get my head straight, so here goes:

1) Appreciate and enjoy my family more. That sounds a little like a cheesy Ad Council message, but it's kind of true. I really do get too caught up in the day-to-day stresses that are involved in caring for/managing the lives of 2 little people that I sometimes forget to laugh. I need to laugh more. Maybe I also need to consume more alcohol. hmmm...

2) Accept as many invitations from real live friends as possible. We humans are social creatures. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there is life out there beyond the Web and that it might be OK to have real interaction sometimes. I also would like to reconnect with friends that don't have children (if I have any left!)

3) Once a month make a date with myself. I think it might be good for me (and fun of course) to give myself permission to take myself out to lunch, go to a museum or plan to sketch in the park. I sometimes really miss my former carefree child-free life.

4) Accept my body and set realistic goals. I'm not going to say anything else about this.

5) Be good to my husband. He's as stressed out as I am. (Maybe even more stressed out these days.)

6) Be a good listener. Let go of my ego. Realize it's not always all about me.

7) Let go of any and all grudges and past regrets/anger/sadness. (not an easy one for me but worth working on)

8) Carry a journal for recording ideas. Continue to generate and pitch new, fresh ideas for books and other creative projects to anyone who might be able to help make it happen.

9) Try to see the whole picture (see #1, #5, #7)

10) Take my vitamins. Last year I resolved to wear daily sunscreen + moisturizer and for the most part, I have. I think taking vitamins is a good idea. Especially calcium. Especially now that I'm (gulp) pushing forty.


That is all.

So glad it's almost over

I just spent the last 48 hours in suburban Hell with my husband's family (2 sisters, their spouses, his parents and his sisters' teenage kids) who never leave the house.
For some, lounging around eating homemade fudge in your PJ's for an entire weekend must be pure bliss. For me, it's torture.
I spend most of my time trying not to eat the fudge, micromanaging our kids and finding ANY excuse to run an errand.
Out here, a trip to Borders Books is a Grand Outing.

Me:
"Please don't give M Cheezdoodles before she's had lunch"
"No, I don't think C will be able to sleep if the boys are playing GuitarHero at full volume in the room while he's trying to nap"
"Please don't give the baby (choose one: bacon/peanut butter/ honey/ luncheon meat/ small objects/ fudge)"
"It's not OK for M to sit in the bathroom and consume an entire bag of BBQ flavored chips"
"Please pause the scary movie so that I can bring M upstairs so that she won't watch it" (This made me the bad guy. No one else seemed to care that my 4 y/o was shuddering under her blanket trying to hide from the live action not appropriate for children under 12 movie remake of "The Grinch")
"Ah...No Thanks" (when offered more fudge, even though I've been secretly sneaking it all day. All in all I've probably consumed over 1200 extra calories in fudge alone this trip...)
And on and on...

By the last 10 hours, I had been broken. I simply threw my hands in the air and said "whatever". Basically, I relinquished control. I decided to trust these people. Even though their kids have no discernible bedtimes. Even though they allow them to eat junk food any time, anywhere. Even though TV was in both kids' bedroom with no limits on what or when the watching occurred. I caved. The whole thing (trying to set some limits) became just too exhausting and it was just too hard to wage this battle alone. Besides, these are nice people deep down. They have always been very kind and welcoming to me and they are only looking for a chance to spoil our kids because they adore them so much. I'm sure a couple days of junk food and TV binging followed by obscenely large over-the-top presents won't cause any permanent damage, but MAN...I sure was relieved to cross that Bay Bridge again.... there's nothing like being away from home to make you truly appreciate what you have.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Goodbye, Pyro

You were with us from the beginning of our relationship. When we adopted you from Animal Care & Control, you were a scrappy, partially shaven earmite infested fighter of a cat. You earned your name because you had been rescued from a fire and had singed the tips of your ears. You were homeless--living on the street by your wits. Accustomed to dumpster diving for food, you had developed a stomach of steel. (or so we thought) We admired your agility, your playfulness and your intelligence. Unlike other cats we'd met, you enjoyed nothing better than to lie on your back and have us rub your big belly.
You trusted us. We took care of you. We rubbed aloe on your wounds and put medicine on your ears and you rewarded us with licks and loving purrs. When you wanted attention, you'd come in to our bedroom and very carefully poke my closed eyelids with claws partially extended or press the answering machine button to wake us.

In those days we were doing a lot of travelling, so we got you a companion so you'd be less lonely. Maya added years to your life and made you less neurotic when we left town. Adopting Maya was like bringing you a mail order bride.

When M was born you were slightly less enthused but eventually you adjusted. Maybe you understood that our attention had shifted from animals to children. Or maybe you were starting to age. You defended your corner of the chair. You always put up a fight (claws extended) when we brought you in for your annual shots. You earned the coveted "skull and crossbones" sticker on your health chart for being too dangerous to handle...but you let me and only me clip your nails.

You've been a good companion, Pyro. We will miss you.


(This is S's napkin drawing of what our cats would look like if they were human)

Can we afford to stay here?

That is the Big question. As this year draws to a close, we find our bank accounts are anemic and we struggle to pay our bills month to month...right now we are barely gasping for air.

We shake our heads in dismay. We question why it is that we continue to live in the most expensive city on earth. (at least San Francisco feels like it is right now) We could live anywhere else in the US. We are freelancers...we aren't tied to a specific job. M hasn't started elementary school yet so this might be the perfect time to uproot. And yet....
17 years living somewhere is a long time. Many friends are here. We've put down roots. In a few years our kids will have put down roots. We've put money, time and energy into our home. We finally have finished our yard. The thought of packing up my studio makes me feel nauseated. And yet...

Everything is too expensive.
Example: This month's PG + E bill was almost $400(!!) Did I forget to turn out a light somewhere?

The schools here are a mixed bag. If M gets into a desirable public elementary school (one of the top 4 on our list), our expenses will decrease, but what if she doesn't? My favorite school (by far) that I've toured is the crunchy private school in the Mission. That's $11K/ year. (cheap by private school standards) Let's see... with 2 kids that comes to...uh... $22K/year (gulp!) Fahgettaboutit. My top choice public school is also the most popular. They have a kiln. The hours are insane (7:50am start time) but the drive isn't so bad. The neighborhood is safe. The kids have art, dance, music and PE almost every day. But with 230 applicants listing this as their first choice (there are 35 open slots), we haven't a chance in Hell. Until last week I thought my # 2 choice would be a shoo-in. Now I hear from a parent at M's preschool that she pulled her daughter out this year because her kindergartener was called a "Ding Dong" by her teacher and made to sit in the corner. Why? For drawing on her paper after she was done with her writing lesson. If that isn't enough, during the afterschool program she was constantly ACCOSTED in the bathroom by older girls and bullied into giving up her lunch money. EVERY. DAY. A sweet, bright little kindergartener. This breaks my heart.

I love SF. Truly I do. I'll defend her like an old friend who is a little misguided....who has made a few bad choices in her life but is still interesting and likeable.
I've spent most of my twenties and now my entire thirties living here. I've weathered the Dot Com boom and bust. I've watched the downtown build, expand and flourish. I've been through earthquakes and floods and even a couple car accidents. I've seen freeways torn down to make way for parks and an upscale farmer's market. I've lived across the street from crack houses. I've lived with crazy Roumanian clubbers. I've lived in the fog. I've been robbed. I've been followed home. In the early '90's I drank Smart Drinks and smoked Hookahs. I went to piercing parties, shower shows, snake belly dances and gay pride parades. I've witnessed orgies. I've seen destitute people dying in alleys. I've tossed tortillas in the air at Bay to Breakers.

I've fallen in love and birthed 2 children here.

I've done a lot of growing up here.

So we are giving ourselves a deadline.
December 2007 we decide whether we will continue to sweat it out in the beautiful but troubled City by the Bay.